I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
