i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
