I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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