So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
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I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
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You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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