I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I will be naked everywhere
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
