just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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