I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Dicks are not precious.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
