Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
