I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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