Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
