I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
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do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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