1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Umm I'm too high to move.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
