Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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