I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
