If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Randomize
