he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
