ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Randomize
