Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
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