I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
