A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
