I can feel you judging me through the phone.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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