I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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