i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
