So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
