the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
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Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
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well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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