I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
