she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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