Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
