Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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