ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
