i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
