So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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