i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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