Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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