She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
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