Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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