I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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