...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
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Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
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I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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