If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
He did a backflip because drugs
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