i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
