Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
