I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Randomize
