I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
My pussy is not your playground.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
