You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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