Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
