i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
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