I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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