Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
He did a backflip because drugs
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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