You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
