tell your sister to shave her snatch
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
