Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
