the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
