Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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