Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
