Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
