So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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