3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
