I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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