My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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