I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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