you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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