...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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