I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
