did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
