the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
