I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
